Parental alienation is an observable family dynamic in which one parent, known as the alienating parent, engages in coercive mind-control and manipulative tactics of the child to force the child to reject a normal relationship with the other parent, known as the alienated parent. These tactics are known as alienating behaviors.
An additional criterion for making a finding of alienation is that the rejected parent’s behaviors either do not meet the definition of clinical significance for abuse and/or neglect or that the behaviors are not in proportion to the child’s exceedingly anti-instinctual behavior to reject a parent.
Factors Permitting the Progression of Alienation
Parental alienation is a progressive clinical condition. In the absence of timely and effective intervention by the judicial and mental health systems, alienation will inexorably travel along a continuum from mild to moderate to the severe stage.
The professionals in the judicial and mental health systems, along with other professionals who intervene in child custody cases, have enormous power to effect the progression of an alienation case – for better or for worse.
When non-specialists in alienation intervene in an alienation case, they typically get the findings not merely wrong but backwards. For example, the alienating parent is typically deemed to be a protective parent while the alienated parent is typically deemed to be an unsafe parent. This is not just wrong; this is catastrophically wrong.
Alienating parents exploit the situation of backwards findings by escalating their alienating behaviors with abandon.
Alienating parents further exploit the snail’s pace at which the judicial and mental health systems proceed to deepen and cement the alienation.
Another factor contributes to the snail’s pace at which the judicial and mental health systems proceed in alienation cases. This factor is that harm to the child from the psychological abuse being committed by the alienating parent goes either entirely unrecognized or is significantly under-appreciated.
The confluence of all these factors drive, enable, and embolden alienating parents to escalate their alienating behaviors to the catastrophic point that the alienation reaches the severest of the severe stage.
Early diagnosis is imperative. Appropriate remedies via Court and mental health intervention must be swiftly applied if the child is to be saved from further abuse by the alienating parent.
Mild Alienation
Children in the mild category superficially exhibit only a few of Gardner’s 8 symptoms. It is significant that they typically do so only in the presence of their alienating parent.
FURTHER READING: Manifestations of Alienated Children – As Seen by an Expert
When in the absence of the alienating parent, the child and their alienated parent share a mutually loving relationship with pleasant and cooperative interactions.
Mildly alienated children may demonstrate minor resistance to visits, again usually only while in presence of the alienating parent at the transition. Contact with the alienated parent’s extended family proceeds as usual.
Children in the mild category generally have a strong, loving, and compliant relationship with their alienated parent. The normal parenting plan is generally followed without resistance.
It can be anticipated with mildly alienated children that visits and other forms of contact with the alienated parent will be uneventful and actually pleasant and enjoyable.
Mildly alienated children usually invite their alienated parent to their educational events, medical appointments, and social and extracurricular activities.
There are virtually no denigrations, therefore no need for frivolous rationalizations for the denigrations; they have no need to manufacture absurd or bizarre rationalizations as they are not rejecting the parent.
Incidents of cruelty or defiance are rare; over-alignment with the alienating parent is negligible, if at all.
It bears repeating that since mildly alienated children comply with the alienated parent’s parenting time and other forms of contact, they have no need to accept or manufacture false sexual and physical abuse allegations in order to justify the rejection.
The disrespectful, hostile, and aggressive behaviors that are prominent in moderately to severely alienated children are virtually nonexistent, if at all.
The triangulation of the child into the parental dyad in service of the alienating parent is generally minimal.
There is little cause and motivation to assume a stance of ambivalence, reflexive support of the alienating parent, or a charade of independence.
Mildly alienated children are typically reserved about expressing their positive feelings for their alienated parent in the presence of their alienating parent.
Mildly alienated children still have a need to protect their alienating parent from feeling threatened by a close relationship with the other parent.
The contact, involvement, and interaction between the alienated parent and child serve as an antidote to the programming by the alienating parent and is a major force to inhibiting the progression of these children along the continuum.
Moderate Alienation
Moderately alienated children will manifest several of Gardner’s 8 symptoms, and the intensity of the symptoms present is more severe than in the mild category.
The scheduling of visits can be problematical as these children demonstrate formidable resistance to contact, which is encouraged and supported by their alienating parent.
Transitions are usually difficult and unpleasant if in the presence of the alienating parent but relatively smooth if not in the alienating parent’s presence.
The beginning of the visits can be somewhat rocky but soon ease as time lifts the repression of the child’s instinctive love and need for the alienated parent. Visits the become pleasant and cooperative most of the time with intermittent moments of defiance, denigrations, and/or detached behaviors.
Towards the end of the visits, moderately alienated children regress in anticipation of having to face an inquisition by their alienating parent concerning the occurrences during the visit.
Moderately alienated are in the untenable position of having to either lie about good times with the alienated parent; or else they have to instigate controversy and negativity during the visit in order to report back to the alienating parent about negative experiences during the visit.
Moderately alienated children report more extreme and frequent rationalizations to justify their denigrations and rejection of the alienated parent, and the rationalizations tend to be preposterous, frivolous, and critical of the alienated parent’s behaviors.
Lack of ambivalence is more pronounced, with moderately alienated children demonstrating a clear preference and need for the alienating parent. They begin to perceive their parents in black and white terms, with the alienating parent wearing a halo and the alienated parent sporting horns.
Moderately alienated children are protective of their alienating parent. They manifest the independent thinker phenomenon by spontaneously volunteering full ownership for having rejected, resisted, and/or denigrated their alienated parent.
Moderately alienated exonerate their alienating parent for having engaged in influence and brainwashing of them to denigrate and reject their alienated parent.
Moderately alienated children demonstrate greater alignment with the alienating parent, especially regarding parental disagreements and the legal conflicts and proceedings.
Children in the moderate category may or may not experience guilt regarding the pain they have caused their alienated parent. Even should they experience guilt, they are not likely to acknowledge it nor apologize to their alienated parent for the hurt and harm they have caused them.
Borrowed scenarios take full stage as moderately alienated children denigrate their alienated parent with language well beyond their cognitive development and with negative events for which they did not have first-hand experience.
While children in the mild group express loving feelings for their alienated parent’s extended family members, children in the moderate group have appreciably repressed their loving and positive feelings for these relatives but are likely to attend visits with them.
In sum, moderately alienated children will generally comply with their alienated parent’s parenting time, interact more agreeably with their alienated parent when not in the presence of their alienating parent, and can enjoy time with their alienated parent and extended family. The visits more likely to be uneventful in that moderately alienated children are reasonably manageable.
Severe Alienation
Children in the severe category likely present with most, if not all, of Gardner’s 8 symptoms, which will be manifested to a significantly impairing, negative degree.
Gardner (1998) described the severely alienated child’s resistance to visits as follows:
“Children in this category may become panic-stricken over the prospect of visiting . . . their blood-curdling shrieks, agitated states, and rage outbursts may be so severe that visitation is impossible” (p. 122).
Severely alienated children will further typically manifest three additional manifestations relied upon in the scientific community to identify an alienated child. These manifestations are pathological enmeshment with the alienating parent; amnesia about a prior meaningful, positive relationship with the alienated parent; and a sudden, inexplicable rejection of the alienated parent.
To punctuate what Dr. Gardner stated above, severely alienated children become hysterical at the mere prospect of having to visit their alienated parent.
Severely alienated children most often do not comply with their alienated parent’s parenting time even in violation of Court orders – their contact refusal being encouraged and sanctioned by their alienating parents.
Because alienating parents claim to be “empathetic to” and “respectful of” their children’s expressed feelings and wishes, alienating parents do not require their children to comply with court orders for the alienated parent’s parenting time.
To be clear, alienated children are not free players in the alienation drama. Severely alienated children can no more express feelings and wishes different from those of their alienating parent than can a cult member express feelings and wishes different than those of the cult leader.
Common Interactions Between Severely Alienated Children and Their Alienated Parent Should Visits Take Place
Should there be contact with the alienated parent – usually only in the face of significant, Court imposed consequences for the failure of visit compliance – severely alienated children either cause extreme pain and consternation for their alienated parent; or else severely alienated children completely disengage from their alienated parent by sequestering themselves in their rooms for the entire visit.
When severely alienated children do interact with their alienated parent during these Court “enforced” visits, they behave provocatively, aggressively, defiantly, and disrespectfully.
Sometimes severely alienated children engage in antisocial behaviors to the point of physically assaulting their alienated parent and destroying home and property.
Some severely alienated children become so out of control that alienated parents may need to physically restrain them from self-harm or from harm to the family.
Alienated parents of severely alienated children are continually in fear of police intervention and potential arrest as a result of their children’s physically assaultive behaviors that are projected onto the alienated parent.
As a result of fearing their severely alienated children’s manufactured need for police intervention, alienated parents sometimes make the painful decision to terminate the visit prematurely – before their children either call 911 themselves or call their alienating parent, who then “quickly”rescues” their children by calling 911.
By orchestrating their alienated parent’s fear of potential arrest, severely alienated children thereby succeed in achieving early termination of the visit.
What Occurs When Severely Alienated Children Disengage From Their Alienated Parent Should Visit Take Place
Severely alienated children may “choose” to disengage from their alienated parent and family members in the home by sequestering themselves in their bedrooms, virtually for the entire visit.
These children’s disengagement is so resolute and intended to be so hurtful that severely alienated children fail to abide by even the minimum social etiquette of uttering “hello” and “goodbye” to their alienated parent and to other family members upon arrival for the visit and upon exiting their bedrooms for departure.
Alienating parents guarantee the success of their children’s complete disengagement from the alienated parent and other family members by supplying their children with food, snacks, drinks, and entertainment. All that is lacking is a potty chair!
Planned educational and exciting activities for the visit must be scuttled because severely alienated children cannot be trusted to remain home alone.
Leaving alienated children home alone, assuming there is no protective reason, is a perfect opportunity for alienated children to spy on their alienated parent. The purpose of the spying is to serve their alienating parent’s need for information that could be helpful to their custody and divorce proceedings with the alienated parent.
Severely alienated children’s disengagement during the visits places alienated parents in the frustrating and unpleasant situation of having to cancel the planned activities that had been promised to other family members. This is yet another double-bind situation for alienated parents because the family members often include stepchildren, who had been looking forward to the planned activities.
FURTHER READING: The Alienated Parent – Heartaches From Double Binds
Alienated parents may therefore decide – for several other valid reasons as well – to risk attending the planned activities without their alienated children participating. But this double-bind decision defeats the intended purpose for the visit’s planned activities, which is to improve the relationships between alienated parents and their children through enjoyable experiences with each other.
Furthermore, the alienated children’s double-bind decision to attend the planned activities without their children’s participation will be capitalized on by the alienating parent, who will claim that the alienated parent is not interested in nor cares about the child. Alienating parents may even label alienated parents’ double-bind decision as “abandonment” of their children.
Other Common Manifestations of Severely Alienated Children
When listening to severely alienated children, one can expect to hear outlandish and vile accusations about their alienated parent and phony expressions of hatred for them.
False allegations of physical and sexual abuse have become all too common. This is traumatic, not merely for the alienated parent, but for the child, who now has to deal with the guilt from making knowingly false allegations against their alienated parent.
Black and white thinking predominates and allows for no positive qualities about the alienated parent nor recognition of a need for anything the alienated parent has to offer.
Severely alienated children are willing to take the hit and the heat and go to the mat for their alienating parent. Severely alienated children fully exonerate their alienating parent for having influenced them against their alienated parent and for having encouraged their antisocial treatment of their alienated parent.
When alienated parents cowardly and cravenly attribute the alienation to their children, who are not free agents, this behavior is an exquisite example of visiting the sins of the parent upon the child.
Exceptions to the Rule
Some children are able to resist the alienating parent’s programming and do not progress as far along the continuum as their alienating parent.
Individual qualities, such as age, intelligence, and maturity are mitigating factors.
The child’s recollection about the family’s truths, memorabilia of the the prior positive relationship with the alienated parent, previous family therapy experiences, influence of peers, and education can all account for a child being an exception to the rule.
Nevertheless, time is on the side of the alienating parent. Without judicious intervention from the judicial and mental health systems, virtually all children, if not all, will eventually capitulate to the demands of a determined, obsessed alienating parent.
What to Do?
Although the severity of an alienation case is determined by the child’s presentation, intervention must be implemented according to the presentation of the alienating parent.
Treatment will fail if it is not geared to the determination of the severely alienating parent to drive the alienated parent from the child’s life. And when treatment fails, the alienated child will eventually succumb to the alienating parent’s influence to utterly reject the alienated parent.
Ongoing, meaningful involvement between the child and the alienated parent is the single greatest factor that mitigates the alienation. Contact with the alienated parent is the greatest antidote to the alienation.
The usual recommendation for a gradual, limited step-up plan between the child and alienated parent is catastrophically wrong.
The gradual step up plan sends the child a contraindicated message. It sends the child the contraindicated message that there is something wrong with alienated parent, who can be tolerated only in small doses. Exactly the wrong message!
The step-up plan is catastrophically wrong for other reasons: The less the contact that the alienated parent has with the child to correct the revisionist family history and the alienation narrative, the more time the alienating parent has with the child to perpetuate the abusive alienation narrative.
The less time the alienated parent has with the child, the less opportunity there is for positive, enjoyable, reaffirming interactions and experiences. Experience between the child and the alienated parent is the most effective therapeutic intervention.
Conclusion
The most effective measure for preventing alienated children from progressing the alienation continuum is to remedy the case according to the standard of “Time is of the Essence!”
