Child psychiatrist Richard Gardner’s 8 manifestations are accepted in the scientific community to identify an alienated child. The manifestations do not appear in non-alienated children of divorce nor in severely physically abused children and have been shown by research to have an exceedingly low error rate.
Here are my observations and thoughts regarding the 8 manifestations which were exhibited by more than 800 alienated children from my practice.
Not all manifestations are required to make a finding for an alienated child. The finding is made based upon the severity and presence of the more impactful ones.
Campaign of Denigration
A normal and meaningful relationship with the alienated parent is defied if not utterly rejected.
Contact and communication with the alienated parent via visits, texts, FaceTime, phone calls, events, etc. are avoided and frequently refused. In severe cases, children cease all contact and communication with the alienated parent.
Alienated children behave miserably, defiantly, disrespectfully, aggressively, and/or disengaged from the alienated parent should there be contact—usually only because the court had imposed consequences on the alienating parent for violating the alienated parent’s parenting time.
Alienated children hurl denigrations at their alienated parent resulting in alienated parents feeling worthless, selfish, unloving, malevolent, undeserving, unsafe, dangerous, etc.
Alienated children make the alienated parent feel like a persona non grata, typically exclaiming, “You are not my mother/father” and “I don’t have to listen to you because you are not the boss of me.”
Pictures and other memorabilia of the child’s prior positive relationship with the alienated parent are removed, if not destroyed.
Alienated children “un-invite” the alienated parent to their activities, special occasions, tournaments, birthdays, holidays, parent/teacher conferences—even to their religious events, graduations, weddings, and births of their children.
Reunification therapy is resisted if not utterly refused.
Alienated children endeavor to deny their alienated parent’s participation in significant decisions affecting them, i.e. medical, educational, social activities, school trips, religious affiliation, etc.
Gifts and cards from the alienated parent are returned unopened. Alienated parents should not expect as much as a phone call from their children expressing appreciation.
Alienated parents should not expect to receive as much as a phone call from their children on their birthday and holidays.
Alienated children assert that they are happier, physically and mentally healthier, more optimistic about life, etc., because the alienated parent has been marginalized or utterly eradicated from their lives.
Severely alienated children have bought into their severely alienating parent’s mission in life to drive the alienated parent from their children’s lives. Severely alienated children act accordingly to aid and abet the achievement of their severely alienating parent’s mission in life.
Hurtful Insults Said by Alienated Children to Alienated Parent
- You’re a narcissist
- You’re wacko
- You’re a moron
- You’re just a sperm donor
- You’re boring
- You’re miserable
- You’re not my parent
- You’re crazy
- You’re mean
Hurtful Rejections by the Alienated Child to the Alienated Parent
- You should be with your mommy because you came out of her tummy.
- If you come to my doctor’s appointment, I will have the nurse throw you out for spying on me.
- Don’t you dare come to my birthday party. You have a creepy look that frightens my friends.
- It you come to my game, I will have my coach arrest you for stalking me.
- I had the feeling of not liking you from the day I was born. Stay away from me.
- Don’t you dare come to my soccer practice! I will cry and scream and say I don’t know you.
- What I want for Christmas is that my father burns to death in a fire so I never have to see him again.
- You are on a need-to-know basis, and you do not need to know about my education.
- I don’t have to listen to you anymore. You are not my family, mommy. I have a new mommy now.
Weak, Frivolous, and Absurd Rationalizations
Having engaged in the exceedingly anti-instinctual behavior to reject a parent, alienated children must concoct rationales for overriding the survival instinct to need and have a parent.
Alienated children thereby fabricate and remain armed with a laundry list of vague injustices, unsubstantiated misdeeds, and minor disappointments that are falsely claimed to have been inflicted upon them by their alienated parent.
When alienated children are asked to provide and describe specific incidences or examples of their parenting issues with their alienated parent, they are unable to do so. The can offer no examples that justify their unnatural rejection and denigrations of their alienated parent.
Alienated children’s rationalizations for rejecting their alienated parent are utterly out of proportion to anything that the alienated parent had actually done.
On the other hand, alienated children will fabricate, exaggerate, and/or distort their alienated parent’s minor parenting flaws which are then used to justify the rejection.
Of even greater concern for the alienated child’s prognosis at present and for life is that they often report false allegations of child physical, emotional, and sexual abuse against their alienated parent.
When alienated children make such false allegations, it opens up pandora’s box of trauma not only their alienated parent but for them as well.
Frequently fabricated domestic violence allegations are also made.
Initially alienated children confirm the abuse allegations claimed by their alienating parent; later alienated children frequently fabricate abuse allegations from their distorted imagination.
Frivolous Rationalizations for the Denigration
- She only buys me clothes to run a guilt trip on me so I will see her. It’s not working.
- She’s faking by pretending to care about me. I will not be around hypocrites.
- Your dress has wrinkles; we don’t want to be seen in public with you.
- You spilt soda on your shirt in the movies. I can’t trust you won’t do that again so I’m not coming back.
- We keep giving him chances, but he keeps doing it again. I can’t tell you exactly what he does wrong but we’re done with him. This is our last visit.
- I don’t know why we hate him. We just do. But he must have done something bad or we would not hate him like we do.
- You don’t build a relationship over dinner, so from now on, the dinners are cancelled.
- I don’t care that the judge ordered me to see you. The judge cannot tell me to do something I don’t want to do. I have my rights.
- Why can’t you believe that you did not abuse us but things just arose for us not wanting to see you again.
- It makes me angry when you stare at me. You have such an intimidating scaring look. CPS said I don’t have to visit with you if you abuse me. I’m telling my caseworker no more visits.
- My lawyer said she will stop the visits because you show me photos that we were once close, and I don’t like it when you lie to me.
Lack of Ambivalence
Alienated children engage in black and white thinking about their parents and about the family history.
Black and white thinking about our parents, about our family history, and about the world around us is not normal and reflects the alienated child’s significant break with reality.
Normal cognitive development functions in the extended grey area of human experiences—which is where alienated children do not live.
As a result of their black and white thinking, alienated children will recite a long list of deficits about their alienated parent while minimizing or denying positive attributes, exceptional parenting abilities, or redeeming qualities.
As a result of their black and white thinking, alienated children will praise a long list of their alienating parent’s inappropriate and questionable parenting behaviors and flaws while minimizing or utterly denying their alienating parenting mistakes—even significant parenting mistakes and abusive or neglectful behaviors.
Alienated parents receive no recognition or appreciation for their time, energy, and involvement in their children’s lives; they receive no credit for their contributions to their children’s emotional and financial support and for which they continue to contribute.
Alienating parents receive extraordinarily disproportionate recognition and appreciation for their contributions to their children’s emotional and financial support and investment of their time and energy as compared to what they had actually contributed.
Alienated children idealize the alienating parent and demonize the alienated parent.
Alienating parents appear to possess a halo, while the alienated parent appears to sport horns.
Of immeasurable concern for alienated children’s prognosis in life is how they misperceive that which is normal and appropriate for that which is abnormal and inappropriate.
Alienated Children Misperceive Their Alienated Parent’s Behaviors
- Love becomes hate
- Appropriate discipline becomes emotional abuse
- Normal affection becomes sexual abuse
- Meaningful concern becomes a boundary violation
- Observation of their activities becomes not respecting their wishes to stay away
- Failure to comply with inappropriate, harmful demands, becomes not respecting their wishes
Alienated Children Misperceive Their Alienating Parent’s Behaviors
- Pathological enmeshment with them is perceived as healthy bonding
- False child abuse allegations against their alienated parent is perceived as protection
- Delusional opinions about the alienated parent is perceived as reality
- Withholding the alienated parent’s parenting time is perceived as abandonment
- Prevention of the alienated parent from participating in decisions is perceived as lack of concern
Lack of Ambivalence Examples
I don’ t need my mom in my life. Dad is all I need. He always paid for everything for us. Mom never brought money into the family She just stayed home because she was lazy and did not want to help dad support the family. Why would I need her now?
I was just pretending to have fun on the camping trip because dad threatened to take mom back to court and throw her in jail if we did not have a good time. I never liked the camping trips anyway, and I just faked liking the trips to Disney, Niagara Falls, the Grand Canyon, Yellowstone, Statute of Liberty, Washington, DC… I can’t remember all the places he took the family but I faked a good time on all the trips.
My father is a teacher and teaches me everything I need to know. I learn nothing from you. You’re a dumb-head who never worked a day in your life since I was born.
My mother is a therapist, and she teaches me right from wrong and how to behave. I’m doing just fine without you in my life. You have no credentials to tell me I’m not treating you right and have a lot to learn about getting along with adults.
The Independent Thinker Phenomenon
Alienated children proclaim uninfluenced ownership of their vicious denigrations and hostile treatment towards their alienated parent.
Alienated children proclaim full responsibility for their abusive, disrespectful, sometimes physically assaultive, and rejecting treatment of their alienated parent.
Alienated children spontaneously and adamantly affirm that their alienating parent had not influenced them against the alienated parent—as if an alienated child is a free agent.
The independent thinker phenomenon is no better an example of the visitation of the sins of a parent upon a child.
Independent Thinker Examples
I know you think my mom brainwashed me. She didn’t. I can think for myself. Mom did not tell me that you hit her in her stomach when she was pregnant with me.
All my feelings about you come from within me. Stop telling me that dad is behind my hatred for you.
I wish the judge would understand that my mom never said anything bad about dad. I know my dreadful experience with dad since I was two years old.
I’m very mature for my age; I can remember for myself that my mom stopped being there for me right after I was born. Please tell the judge that my dad did not turn me against my mom.
Cruelty Toward the Alienated Parent With No Remorse
Alienated children typically inflict a cruelty so wounding upon their alienated parent that a serpent’s bite pales in comparison. Pouring salt on their parent’s wounds, these children reveal no remorse or guilt for having caused such pain. A child will even say that the alienated parent deserves it.
This manifestation, perhaps more than any other, raises concern that the alienating parent has successfully implanted in the child the seeds of an antisocial personality disorder (ASPD). Once have becoming characterological, ASPD is irreversible.
Cruelty Examples
You brought it on yourself getting arrested. We only told the CPS worker that we think you touched us inappropriately. Ha-ha! You spent a night in jail.
I hope you have to spend all your retirement funds on lawyers, so what. You don’t deserve to live well.
I don’t care that your computer got smashed when I threw the hammer at you. I was aiming at your head not your computer.
Your hand will have to be broken, not just strained, before I am sorry that I had hit you.
Reflexive Support of the Alienating Parent
Alienated children uncritically and dogmatically align with their alienating parent against the alienated parent in virtually all, if not all, disagreements and hostilities between them.
The alliance between the child and alienating parent is so strong and inflexible that an alienated child will defend the alienating parent even in the face of court findings against the alienating parent.
The alliance between the child and alienating parent is so powerful, rigid, and irrational that the child perceives the alienated parent’s disagreements with the alienating parent as an attack upon them [the child].
For example, alienated children characterize their alienated parent’s legal motion to enforce parenting time as taking “us” back to court.”
Reflexive Support Examples
You did not do your wifely duties; that’s why WE divorced you.
Dad was right to take all the marital assets. He earned them and you just stayed home and did nothing to contribute to the family.
Why are you taking dad to court and taking dad to the cleaners? What does that mean “taking dad to the cleaners?”
Why are you trying to put mom in jail for not seeing us. She encourages us to see you but we choose not to see you. Stop blaming mom for what we do.
Technically, dad, the settlement agreement gave you three months to get your stuff out of the garage. It’s now three months and a day. Mom was right to throw you stuff in the garbage.
See how deceitful he was to record our transfer from mom to him! He’s just recording to get mom in trouble so she will lose custody.
Borrowed Language & Borrowed Scenarios
As a result to the brainwashing process, alienated children sound scripted and rehearsed.
Alienated children use sophisticated language, concepts, and terminology well beyond what is commensurate for their age.
A sign of brainwashing is when a child is unable to define their words and explain the meaning of their phrases.
The expressions and concepts expressed by alienated children mimic those of their alienating parent.
Alienated children reveal an intimate knowledge of events—particularly negative events involving their alienated parent—for which they had not witnessed nor had had personal experience.
Borrowed scenarios, sine qua non, confirm the alienating parent’s brainwashing of the child against the alienated parent.
Borrowed Scenarios Examples
My mom told me your punishment does not fit the crime so I don’t have to abide by the punishment.
My mom told me if you loved me, you would let me have a sleepover instead of visiting you.
He’s only nice because you’re here. He knows how to fool the therapist.
He’s is faking that he cares. It’s not the real him. He can’t be trusted to stay this way. As soon as the session is over, he will change back to what he really is.
He’s putting on a show in court. He deserves an academy award for fooling the judge.
You should have paid for my driving instruction even though the settlement agreement said you didn’t have to.
You deserved for dad to hit you because you don’t know when to shut up.
Stop asking me to tell you when you beat me. I can’t think of an example right now. But I know you must have beat me cuz mommy said you did.
You are not benefitting from your anger management classes. I’m not coming back until you have changed.
Spread of Animosity
The child’s denigration and rejection of the alienated parent typically extends to the alienated parent’s friends and family. Relatives such as grandparents, with whom the child had previously had a loving relationship, are inexplicably expelled from participation in the child’s life.
Alienated child express no remorse when the efforts for contact by these relatives are rebuffed. Presents are returned unopened and calls go unanswered.
Stepparents are categorically and viciously rejected—even stepparents who had had a loving and meaningful parental relationship prior to the onset of the alienation.
Spread of the Animosity Examples
- Grandma is violating my boundaries when she hugs me. Tell her to stop.
- I will not visit you if your new wife is there.
- My aunt never gave me presents that I found useful. So that is why I returned her birthday present.
Additional Manifestations
- Sudden inexplicable rejection of the alienated parent and extended family.
- Amnesia about prior positive experiences; erasing of memories about these experiences.
- Pathological enmeshment with the alienating parent which results in over-empowerment of the child.
Definition of Pathological Enmeshment and Its Three Forms
Pathological enmeshment is a severe psychiatric condition for the child in which the child is robbed by the alienating parent of the child’s own genuine feelings for and beliefs about the alienated parent and substitutes those of the alienating parent.
Infantilization
The alienating parent treats the child as much younger than would be required by the child’s developmental stage. This undermines the child’s sense of autonomy, creates dependency upon the alienating parent, and thereby makes the child feel insecure and unable to appropriately separate/individuate.
Adultification
The alienating parent treats the child as an equal by triangulating the child into adult issues and parental disputes by inappropriately confiding in the child.
The issues shared with the child include unresolved legal, financial, divorce, and custody conflicts with the other parent that are the subject of ongoing legal proceedings.
Alienated children are thus inappropriately put in the position to cope with stressful issues that are well beyond their emotional and cognitive capacity to handle—issues which even adults find difficult to handle.
Through adultification, alienating parents subvert and sacrifice the best interests of their children to their needs, goals, and wishes.
Adultification is a form of unhealthy over-empowerment of the child.
Parentification
Parentification is a reversal of healthy family hierarchy in which the alienating parent anoints the child with a parenting role. This is done in order to fulfill the alienating parent’s emotional needs and to help achieve that parent’s goals and wishes with respect to custody and other legal matters.
An example of parentification behaviors occurs when alienating parents attempt to make their child feel sorry for them by alleging they had been “victimized” by the alienated parent.
Other examples of parentification behaviors occur when alienating parents convey to their child that they will lonely and upset while the child is visiting the alienated parent; that they do not have enough money to live on because the alienated parent snatched all the marital assets; that they are at a disadvantage in court because the alienated parent used some of the marital assets to buy off the judge and the court-appointed evaluator.
When alienating parents make their child feel sorry for them the, alienated children assume a “therapeutic” role and attempts should be dropped to comfort their alienating parent.
Parentification is a form of unhealthy over-empowerment of the child which makes the child even more powerful than the alienating parent and not merely more powerful than the alienated parent.
Conclusion
The manifestations of an alienated child are blatantly obvious when you know what you are looking for and are willing to keep an open mind.
