William Shakespeare is regarded as the preeminent dramatist of his time. Shakespeare’s body of literary works shed light on the trauma to a child and parent who are victims of parental alienation.
What Hamlet and the Alienated Parent Have in Common
In Shakespeare’s Hamlet, the protagonist, King Hamlet, captures the essence of the tragic dilemmas that alienated parents experience. Consider how Hamlet gives meaning to his dilemmas, which are strikingly similar to those of alienated parents:
“To be, or not to be: that is the question:
Whether ‘tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them?”
The above soliloquy, “To be or not to be” reveals Hamlet’s inner turmoil that he suffers due to his irreconcilable choices & conflicting emotions.
Being pulled in opposite directions, and additionally having to grapple with the consequences from action or inaction, Hamlet became paralyzed. In the end he tragically descended into madness and erratic behaviors.
The Alienated Parent Is Trapped by Multiple Dilemmas Occurring in Alienation
Alienated parents must manage ongoing, insufferable dilemmas occurring in their alienation case. These dilemmas are created by the alienating parent, their children, and the many professionals that intervene in an alienation case.
Double Bind Dilemmas That Alienated Parents Face
When alienated parents fail to fully exercise their parenting time the alienating parent capitalizes on this in court and uses it as the basis to file a motion to rescind parenting time.
If alienated parents pursue a relationship with their resistant children, they are labeled “aggressive” or “insensitive” to their children’s wishes.
If alienated parents do not pursue a relationship with their children, they are accused of abandoning them.
Out of fear of arrest for false DV or abuse allegations made by the alienating parent and confirmed by their children, alienated parents often make the difficult decision to discontinue visits.
If alienated parents do not keep their visits, they are accused of failing to exercise their parenting time.
When alienated parents show physical affection to their children, they risk that this normal parenting gesture will be characterized as inappropriate sexual contact.
If alienated parents do not show affection to their children, they are accused of being cold, unfeeling, and disengaged.
Alienated parents are accused of lacking interest in their children when they do not appear at their games and other activities, most of which they have not been informed about or invited to.
When alienated parents do appear at their children’s games, if they are lucky enough to know about it, they are accused of stalking their children because they do not want them there.
Some alienated parents have chosen not to appear at their children’s games in order to spare their children the embarrassment from their alienating parents rashly pulling them off the playing field upon the alienated parent’s arrival. The alienated child is collateral damage being used to deprive the alienated parent of even minimal contact with their children.
Some alienated parents have been openly accused of being pedophiles when they appear at their children’s games. You can understand why they might not want to go.
When alienated parents buy presents for their children, they are accused of “buying” or “bribing” their children, perhaps to see them.
When alienated parents do not provide financial support beyond what they are legally obligated to do, they are labeled as “stingy” and “selfish.
Alienated parents are further accused of “robbing” their children of support, which they are now “showering upon” their new family.
Alienated parents are always walking on egg shells with their children – afraid of consequences, such as abuse allegations, should they set limits on their children for their maltreatment, disrespect, and even physical abuse. Alienated parents are thereby labeled “incompetent parents.”
When alienated parents do set appropriate limits on their children and respond to their cruel, hurtful maltreatment, they are accused of overreacting and being emotionally abusive.
Unqualified Therapists Misjudge the Alienated Parent
Alienated parents are faced with the dilemma of participating in reunification therapy with a therapist who is not qualified to treat a case of alienation in order to have some contact with their children, as little as that might be.
Unqualified therapists provide a contraindicated therapy that often makes the alienation dramatically worse and may cement it, thereby perpetuating the child psychological abuse.
Many of these therapists require alienated parents to apologize to their children for false allegations of physical abuse and even sexual abuse. The rational provided is that “this is the child’s reality.”
The detrimental consequences to a child from believing false abuse allegations are exactly the same psychological consequences as if the abuse actually occurred. The consequences to the alienated parent who is forced to confess to false child abuse in front of a mandated reporter is immeasurable.
When an alienated parents resists the demands made by an unqualified therapist for them to apologize to their children for misdeeds they did not commit, the therapist labels the alienated parent as “uncooperative” with the therapy, “insensitive” to their children’s feelings, and “defiant” of the therapist.
This does not bode well for what the therapist will write in the treatment summary to the court. Some therapists even terminate the therapy, which deprives the alienated parent of the scrap of contact they have with their children.
Alienated Parents Are Faced With the Impossible Dilemma Resolution
Frustration, anger, fear, sadness, and helplessness build up in alienated parents as a result of facing these multiple, ongoing, no-win, repetitive double-bind situations.
Alienated parents are faced with the impossible dilemma of not being able to adequately and convincingly document a case to dismiss the unqualified, harmful reunification therapist without appearing to the court to be a hostile parent who may be a risk to their children.
It is no wonder that Dr. Steven Miller declares that alienated parents may present with the 4-A’s: angry, anxious, agitated, and afraid.
Therapist Jane Major (2006) sums up the alienated parent’s double-bind situation as follows:
“It is common in alienation that alienated parents are in a chronically defensive position. They are continuously defending themselves against one wild accusation after another. Instead of being proactive, they are most likely to become passive. In the face of overwhelming hostility from the other parent, alienated parents cope by trying not to rock the boat. Tension builds. Something snaps and people react. Families with alienation are volatile families. (p. 281)”
Conclusion
Alienated parents are attempting to manage one crisis situation after another in the face of multiple double-binds of “darned if I do; darned if I don’t.”
There should never be to judgment that the alienated parent is flawed; unstable; unjustifiably hostile to unqualified, harmful therapists; and a risk to their children. Before such judgments are made, the traumatic situation of alienation must be ruled out as the cause of the alienated parent’s presentation.
It has been my experience, working with more than 350 alienated parents, that they are, and have always been, the stable, protective, and loving parent whose first priority is the best interest of their child.
